Joanna Fortune: My adult children left me to do almost everything on Christmas Day

They left everything up to me, including keeping an eye on their children

Tue, 07 Jan, 2025 - 12:05

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Child psychotherapist

I had the whole family, including grandchildren, over for Christmas Day. It took weeks of planning, and the dinner went like clockwork. However, I was shocked by the little help I got from my children and their partners.

Other than stacking the dishwasher, they left everything up to me, including keeping an eye on their children. I was angry and hurt but didn’t say anything for fear of ruining the day.

I know I should have laid down the ground rules before they came but it never occurred to me that I’d be left to manage on my own. Should I talk to them about it or suggest someone else host Christmas next year?

A developmental regression can creep in when families get together for celebrations such as Christmas.

For example, the youngest, even if they are now in their 30s, is still the one to end up sitting on the floor when the seats run out, or the one who always felt hard done by is the first one to declare something is “typical” or “unfair” or deliver a petulant eye-roll.

Those family and sibling dynamics are ingrained and are very hard to change.

Your anger and frustration at how you were taken advantage of is justified.

Perhaps in your family, your children always saw you as the nurturing matriarch who cooks for and takes care of everyone, and their perception of your role has not necessarily grown in line with their growing up.

But it can in the future. The way to manage extended family gatherings is with clear, stated expectations and healthy boundaries.

Christmas is over and it will not serve you well to retrospectively criticise their behaviour because there is nothing they can do about it and it may make them defensive in response to you.

That said, reflecting on how you feel about it is essential, and let this reflection structure how you plan future family gatherings, not just Christmas.

The next time you have cause to gather as a family for dinner, assign a list of tasks for everyone to help. For example, ask one of your children to take care of the side dishes and another to bring the desserts.

It sounds like it's time for someone else to host Christmas. Consider saying how you would really enjoy going to one of their houses for the day and letting them work out the hosting between them.

You could reflect with them how happy you are that they enjoyed Christmas together.

Now that the family is getting bigger with grandchildren, the workload has also become too much for one person always to do everything, so that needs to change in the future.

It is very difficult to change how others behave towards us or in a situation but we can make changes to our behaviour and these changes can elicit a different response from others.

Setting and holding clear expectations and boundaries will prevent you from being taken advantage of and offset the anger and resentment this brings with it.

To anyone reading this who had their dinner handed to them on December 25, remember to send your host flowers or a thank you card to show appreciation for all their work.