Colman Noctor: Children need shepherds, not engineers
Colman Noctor: "While parents should not be overly controlling of their children’s decisions and activities, parental connection is important. So, we offer support and direction when they need it without becoming overly dominant in their choices."
PARENTS are far more involved in their children’s lives now than in past generations, which is undoubtedly good. However, this high level of participation has also created a parallel increase in the sense of responsibility for the ‘outcomes’. Whether this is measured in terms of academic, artistic or sporting success, the consequences of parental over-involvement are plain to see.
Most of us have heard stories of deplorable parental behaviour on the sidelines of pitches in children’s sports or the exponential rise in young people being sent for grinds, piling more pressure on young people to perform and give a return on the investment.
Renowned US psychologist and researcher Dr Russell Barkley argues that parents need to act as shepherds, not engineers. His metaphor, highlighting parents' role as guides rather than micromanagers or authoritarian figures, is especially relevant today.
While his parenting advice often focuses on strategies for managing children with ADHD, it can be applied to all children. His approach emphasises structure, consistency, and understanding.
Barkley also discusses things like the 'Mozart Effect' — the belief that playing the classical composer's music to your bump when pregnant will make your child more intelligent. He also points out that while stimulation is essential for a child, it is a threshold. Exposing your child to more and more stimulation, be it mobiles above their cot or extracurricular activities as they get older, will not provide limitless positive results.
Barkley’s views on the limits of parental influence are echoed in psychologist Judith Rich Harris’ book She also argues that children cannot be engineered by exposure to stimuli. Instead, they must be guided to fine-tune the traits and attributes acquired through hereditary genetics.
The ‘shepherd’ parent distinguishes between guiding children and controlling them. Barkley explains how every child is born with more than 400 psychological traits that will emerge as they mature and have nothing to do with their parent's parenting approach. So, the idea that parents can engineer personalities, IQ, and academic achievement skills does not stand up under scrutiny. He believes a child is not a blank slate on which we get to write. Instead, a child is a genetic mosaic of both parents’ extended families, meaning they are a unique combination of the traits in your family line.
Much is written about parenting, but very little about temperament. While we may see some similarities between our children’s temperament and our own, it is often much more complex. A child’s temperament plays a profound role in their evolving personalities. Whether a child is boisterous or sensitive, meek or imposing, is largely down to their unique temperament. While it is almost impossible to change temperament, better outcomes can be achieved by working with temperament instead of against it.
How you support a child who is quiet, anxious, and reflective is very different from that of a child who is exuberant, brash, and bossy. The parenting approach requires a degree of flexibility as these two children can be found in the same family. Perhaps as parents, the best thing we can do is to distinguish what approach will work best with each child and have the flexibility to respond to the needs of the child in front of us.
As the 'shepherd' parent, you realise you don't design the sheep; you guide and protect them. However, adopting the perspective that we are engineers of our children makes us responsible for everything that goes right and wrong in their lives.
Some parents mistakenly believe it's all about them and what they do. It is their fault if they don't get it right if their child has a learning difficulty, or if they have done something wrong. But the opposite is true. Your child's emerging traits may have little or nothing to do with your particular style of parenting because there are many other biological, psychological and social issues at play for your child, too.
Playing the role of a shepherd is not to dismiss or demean the parent. As Barkley points out, shepherds are influential people. They pick the pastures where the sheep will graze, develop, and grow and determine whether they're appropriately nourished. They also decide whether they're protected from any harm. But they don't design the sheep. As Barkley bluntly states, ‘No shepherd can turn a sheep into a dog’.
The shepherd approach suggests that we should focus on guiding our children’s development while allowing space for individuality. We create a safe environment for our children by setting boundaries to protect them from danger. We can also create structure and rules to teach responsibility while fostering a sense of security.
Parents need to identify and acknowledge their child’s strengths, struggles, and developmental needs. By understanding their unique needs, we can know that each child may have their own pace and temperament, requiring patience and adaptability from their parents.
The best shepherds work consistently and patiently, knowing progress may be slow but steady. Similarly, parenting requires perseverance, recognising that small, consistent efforts lead to long-term growth.
The shepherd earns the flock's trust through care and reliability, creating a bond that fosters cooperation. Parents must strengthen their bond with their children by being supportive, understanding, and emotionally present. This can be achieved by being available to your child for consultation on their choices but resisting the urge to control or make their choices for them. By allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them, we encourage them to become autonomous decision-makers and not overly reliant on parental direction.
- Focus on the big picture: Instead of controlling every detail, prioritise the child’s long-term development over short-term wins.
- Stay calm and resilient: Parenting challenges require steady guidance rather than frustration or harshness.
- Foster independence: Allow the child to make mistakes and learn within safe boundaries.
- Work with individual strengths: Understand that children grow and learn at their own pace.
Barkley’s shepherd metaphor emphasises the balance between control and freedom, love and discipline, and the long-term nature of parenting as a journey rather than a series of quick fixes. In a world where childhood achievements reflect ‘good parenting’, it is unsurprising that we have seemed to slip into trying to engineer our children instead of shepherding them through their lives.
However, I would be concerned about taking the shepherd metaphor too far. While parents should not be overly controlling of their children’s decisions and activities, parental connection is important. So, we offer support and direction when they need it without becoming overly dominant in their choices. Attachment Theory tells us that providing a secure base is optimal when it comes to parenting children. Securely attached children know their parents are available when needed and have the psychological security to explore their world and experience new relationships.
In an era of parental guilt and rife competitiveness, perhaps we need to take a breath, step back, and reconsider what we can influence and, more importantly, what we cannot. I have treated far more children in my therapy room who have parents who see themselves as engineers rather than shepherds, which highlights the fallout of parents overestimating their influence in moulding their children to be the best versions of themselves all the time.
Allowing them to make choices, even if we disagree, and engage in activities without obvious investment will benefit our children long-term. Rather than micro-managing their lives or spreading ourselves too thin to enable them to participate in every extracurricular activity possible, we need to take a back seat, let them develop at their own pace, and be there for them when they need us.
