Joanna Fortune: My quiet teenage daughter is lonely and feels isolated at school

When we see our children struggle socially, we can also begin to experience some of their anxiety, and the urge to jump in and rescue them from these challenging feelings is immense. However, if we keep fixing our children's problems, they will not learn how to manage difficult situations and feelings for themselves. 

Taking a step back does not mean leaving her alone to deal with a situation as big as this. Instead, let her know that she is not alone with these feelings, that you are there with her, and even if you don’t have the answer, you will stick with her until you both find your way through this situation together. A more collaborative approach ensures she experiences mastery over tension, which will help build her self-esteem and confidence.

School is such a big part of our children’s days that when it is not going well for them, it can seem like there is no escape from the stress they are experiencing. Could you discreetly and privately talk with a staff member, such as her year head, about the social difficulties she is experiencing at school? Teachers are uniquely positioned to observe and nudge a student on the edges towards other children and to keep an eye on the situation.

Is she involved with the school's sports teams, debate club, arts, or social justice groups? If not, perhaps there is another area she has an interest in. Joining a group activity would enable her to form connections by spending extra time with other teens with a shared interest within the school community, even if they are not in her class or year.

Does she have any interests or activities outside of school? It would also be helpful if she had social connections and activities outside her school peer group. Perhaps you could sit with her and identify something she could try within the community if she doesn't.

Pay attention to any children in her school that she mentions frequently. Are there ones that she seems interested in being friends with? Would she invite them to go to the cinema or hang out in your house with pizza?

We do not want to pathologise someone with a quiet disposition because there is nothing wrong with being introverted. However, if your daughter's temperament is causing pervasive difficulties, she (and you) might benefit from consulting with a suitably qualified professional. A psychotherapist or psychologist could work with her to strengthen and enhance her self-esteem and identify ways to overcome this struggle by building her confidence in her social skills.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie