Child psychotherapist
Adulthood begins for many people while they are still in school, and because of the housing crisis they may also live at home after they have left school.
This is a complex situation for parents.
According to the Central Statistics Office’s (CSO) 2022 census, 522,486 adults aged 18 and over lived with their parents.
More than 61% of 20– to 24-year-olds lived in the parental home.
Gender differences were also notable: 57% of adults who lived with their parents were male.
This problem is not unique to Ireland.
Census data from the Australian Institute of Family Studies, released this year, shows that the proportion of people living at home increased in every age bracket from 19 to 30 between 2006 and 2021.
When a child turns 18, they are legally an adult, but given that most are still in school, their understanding of the responsibilities and rights of an adult can be
selective.
Parents of adult children who are living at home often find themselves in a difficult position. Phrases like ‘You may be an adult, but that’s not happening under my roof’ are commonplace, and can cause friction.
Regardless of age, children who still live at home must abide by family values. Rules around drinking alcohol, financial independence, studying, and staying out overnight, are often challenging.
Sometimes, the adult child may have a part-time job, which brings some economic freedom. However, they may also be dependent on their parents in other areas. The task is to allow young adults some responsibility, while guiding, directing, and steering them.
I often hear from parents who feel powerless and at a loss about how best to manage this complex transition.
Disagreements revolve around misperceptions of what is expected of the adult children and the parents. It is helpful to discuss with your teenage child before they turn 18 what it means to become a legal adult.
This way, you can agree on which rules must stay the same and which can change. This conversation’s outcomes can be a contract to record what is agreed. While this might seem excessive, it introduces the teenager to the concept of living up to their commitments.
The young adult must show responsibility, stick to their commitments, and learn about accountability. However, the parent may also need to compromise. Their willingness to bend some rules and make exceptions will help the adult child to buy in.
A reasonable agreement may require the parent to establish deal breakers regarding family values, but also include aspects of the child’s activities on which they are willing to compromise.
This negotiation will vary from one set of parents to another and may even be different for each parent in the couple.
Some parents might insist that alcohol not be a feature of family life, whereas, for others, their ‘non-negotiables’ may involve a financial contribution to the family home. Both parents need to agree on what they are willing to permit and not permit.
Coming of age?
Age is an arbitrary measure of maturity, and most young people don’t mature suddenly when they reach 18.
So, it is not about immediately granting unmitigated access to adult activities; there is still plenty of room for compromise. For example, the 18-year-old may be permitted to go out and drink alcohol a certain number of times per month. Still, this freedom will be contingent on their adhering to other commitments, like studying or household responsibilities.
The capacity to be flexible allows you to role model moderation and responsibility, which is critical for these arrangements to be successful.
Be clear with your child about the difference between ‘responsibilities’ and ‘rights’. While they may be adamant about their right to make their own choices, they often need to be reminded that being an adult also comes with responsibilities.
We must earn these rights by demonstrating responsibility; it is not a given just because we reach a certain age. For example, adults are permitted to apply for a driving licence. However, regardless of age, they must still pass a driving test, before being allowed to drive unaccompanied.
Adulthood does not give you carte blanche to participate in all aspects of adult life; responsibility is an essential first step.
Parents often struggle with their child’s transition to adulthood. I know this from my work as a psychotherapist.
I involve the parents in some aspects of the young person’s treatment up until the latter is 18. Feedback at the end of sessions or periodic reviews of progress are standard practice when working with minors.
However, once a child turns 18, they can instruct their therapist not to include their parents in their treatment. While this is rare, it can cause a lot of anxiety for parents, who are keen to know how their child is doing. Still, given that the young person is now an adult, I am obliged to respect their wishes and not communicate with their parents unless a situation occurs where their safety or the safety of others is called in to question.
I struggle with this age-only guideline for adulthood, especially when 18-year-olds appear somewhat more immature than their counterparts of previous generations.
The evolution of social media, the impact of pandemic lockdowns, and societal changes have meant parents are far more involved in their children’s lives, resulting in more coddling and fewer opportunities for young adults to become autonomous decision-makers. I know this generalisation does not apply to all young people. I also believe that maturity plays a far more critical role than age in assessing a young person’s ability to make good decisions.
While I respect the autonomy and confidentiality in the therapeutic context it can be unfair on the parents to be expected to care for this young person at home without any insight in to how they are doing.
The same dilemma exists in the case of an adult child who attends the GP and other support services, which can be a difficult adjustment for parents.
Authority figure to advisor
How can parents redefine the parent-child relationship when their child turns 18?
First, prepare to shift your role from an authority figure to a trusted advisor. This transition can happen gradually as they approach 16 or 17, and it will be easier to negotiate if this process has already started.
Think about balancing your involvement with their growing need for independence, and support your child without overstepping developmental boundaries. Begin by gradually letting go of your control over their choices and allowing them some autonomy.
It may be challenging, but accepting that adult children make their own choices is a significant learning curve in becoming the parent of an adult child.
Learning how to deal with your anxiety about their decisions may also be helpful. Whether it concerns their career, relationships, or lifestyle, allowing them to make choices and mistakes is essential.
In doing this, you may also need to manage feelings of rejection if your adult child seeks distance, which is often necessary for them to grow.
At this stage of life the relationship between the parent and child should evolve in to something more age-appropriate.
You may also need to provide financial support to your adult child. Do this without enabling them, so try to offer financial help without creating dependency.
Teach them financial independence while being a safety net for them. Set some boundaries around financial contributions that allow them to learn fiscal autonomy.
As with any parent-child relationship, acknowledge the cultural or generational differences. Your values may differ in areas like societal changes or technology, so bridge generational gaps by mutually appreciating differences in communication styles and expectations.
Also, learning from your adult children while sharing your wisdom offers opportunities to deepen your adult-to-adult relationship.
Some conflict between adult children and their parents while they are sharing the same living space is inevitable. Disagreements over freedom and responsibility are par for the course.
It’s best to devise strategies for resolving disagreements respectfully and constructively. Knowing when to apologise, compromise, and hold the line is key.
Parents should pick their battles. This will be crucial to their relationship with their child surviving the latter’s transition to adulthood.
Despite multiple arguments, disagreements, and fallouts, almost all adult children come full circle and will develop close relationships with their parents later on.
It is, therefore, vital to manage this phase well, so that it remains the likely outcome.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
