Joanna Fortune: My daughter says I don't love her in the same way as her sister

As a new parent, everything your daughter feels and experiences is new and overwhelming while she adjusts to this change in her life. Adjusting to change is never easy, particularly when parenting with neurodiversity.

Holding all of this in mind, I wonder if your daughter might be lashing out in frustration rather than telling you that she feels overwhelmed and needs help and support. I wonder if it might ease the tension between you if you were to respond to her with acceptance and empathy rather than telling her she is wrong in what she is saying or that she is spoilt, difficult or disrespectful.

Think back to when you were a new parent, how it felt and what you really needed from those around you in terms of support and understanding. Imagine what difference it would have made had you got the needed response. Could you do this for your daughter now?

I appreciate how hurtful it can be to be told that all you have done for your family is still not enough and that a child feels she has been neglected compared to a sibling. When we are emotionally hurt like this, our instinct is to fight back and defend ourselves or retreat from the person and create distance between us. 

This is understandable, but when there is a rupture in our relationship with our children (regardless of how old they are), it is critical that we parents initiate the repair, even if we didn’t start the row.

When we can initiate the repair, we communicate that our relationship with our children matters more than the row and being “right”. This doesn’t mean you agree with her statements, but acknowledge her feelings and how difficult it must be. Tell her you wish she could understand how much you love and want to support her.

Think of ways you can support her without her asking for it — for example, taking care of her laundry, cooking meals for her freezer, visiting and making her tea or holding the baby while she gets a shower or a rest. Practical help can communicate care and affection.

You do not have to get pulled into a row about how she feels she was parented, nor do you need to defend how you did your best to love your children equally. You can respond to her now by saying, “Let me take care of you, I can do…”

If you do not feel you can spend time at her home, you can still provide nurture and care by prepping meals and dropping them off for her or buying groceries she may need. Try to allow her time and space to adjust, settle, and remain available to her but within your boundaries of mutual respect.

I’m sorry that an exciting time for your family has been triggering, and I wish you all well.