'Mental health is a family matter': Breaking the silence on dads who experience baby blues

“Quite a few studies have explored fathers’ experience during this time, and dads repeatedly recognise, first of all, that the mum is the most important person, as the birthing parent and the main caregiver,” says McGilloway.

“Yet many fathers report feeling fear, isolation, confusion, and helplessness, as well as difficulties bonding with their child and worry about their partner and how best to support her.

“And many of the dads feel shame and guilt around what they’re experiencing: A lot will say, ‘It’s not about me, is it?’” says McGilloway.

Approximately 10-12% of dads experience depression during the year after the birth of their child, though McGilloway says some estimates put it at 25% suffering “some form of mild depression/depressive symptoms during the postnatal period and especially in the first three to six months after the birth”.

Dr Brendan Kelly, professor of psychiatry at Trinity College Dublin, says men’s risk of depression during the postpartum period can increase to 25% when the mother is also experiencing postnatal depression (PND). Other factors make men susceptible: Sleep deprivation, new challenges to work-life balance, and challenges with the transition to parenthood.

“These can cause a great deal of stress and uncertainty, especially if the father feels unprepared,” says Kelly, adding that these feelings often come to men like a bolt from the blue.

“Given the magnitude of what happens to women — who are navigating profound biological and hormonal changes, different to what men are navigating — men tend to sideline their own feelings, because of the clearly greater stresses the woman is feeling.”

Kelly says men can also struggle with the reconfiguration of the relationship with their partner after a baby is born. “If it’s a first baby, a relationship suddenly becomes a family. This is a very big emotional reconfiguration that takes many men by surprise.”

The isolation men feel is often compounded by the fact that their source of emotional support has, up to now, been their partner.

“And, now, their partner is very busy with new tasks and responsibilities — they’re quite rightly devoted to their baby — so there’s not much in the way of support for men,” says Kelly, adding that men aren’t as practised as women at giving each other emotional support in this postpartum period.

“Men offer support differently to women. They’ll joke, say, ‘Your life will never be the same’, which is true, but it’s often said humorously rather than in an emotionally supportive way.”

Escapist behaviour

McGilloway points to risk factors for PND that affect men and women: A history of depression or mental ill-health, conflict or discord in the relationship, and poverty. Traumatic childbirth raises men’s risk. “Ninety-eight per cent of men are present at the birth now,” says McGilloway, who highlights unplanned pregnancy as another PND male and female risk factor.

PND symptoms in men can be similar to those in women, says Kelly, who cites irritability, fatigue, changes in sleep and appetite, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt. “But men with PND have a tendency towards detachment and to outwardly-directed behaviours. They tend to externalise their feelings in to behaviours like use of alcohol, smoking, and other risky behaviours.”

McGilloway also says dads can experience additional symptoms to women’s. “For example, they’re more likely to engage in escapist behaviour. They might spend more time online, go drinking more with their pals, or engage in some new level of alcohol consumption.

“They can become more irritable than women or have blunted emotions, where they’re not experiencing the full range.”

When dads describe what PND feels like for them, Kelly says they talk about feeling isolated, disconnected from their baby, and overwhelmed by responsibility. “They report irritability, anger, or numbness instead of sadness, coupled with guilt about not enjoying fatherhood. Many feel pressured to appear strong, hiding their struggles, which deepens loneliness and a sense of failure as a parent.”

Societal expectations of masculinity are often not helpful, says Kelly, especially if men feel pressure to appear emotionally strong, which may prevent them from seeking help. “Some men report struggling to redefine their role in the family as they balance traditional notions of fatherhood with modern expectations to be more emotionally involved than, perhaps, their own fathers were.”

While male PND is not a new concept in research, McGilloway says at a societal level — and especially in an Irish context — it is very new. “Most of us won’t think that men will suffer from PND. And a significant proportion of mums — new and experienced — with mild to moderate mental health issues can fall through the gaps of mental health services. It’s worse for dads: They’re pretty much invisible in the system.”

McGilloway sees the absence of a ‘think family’ approach as contributing to this invisibility of dads. “Mental health is a family matter. The birth of a child is a significant life event and it’s not just women who are affected: Dads are, too. Yet the focus is often on the person in front of the healthcare worker.”

McGilloway believes the term ‘maternity services’ is gendered. “It could be helpfully replaced with something like ‘pregnancy family services’ to reflect better a more appropriate focus on the entire family, including partners and other children in the family.”

Societal awareness

Kelly says fathers with PND can help themselves by opening up to their partner, friends, or family. “Prioritising self-care — adequate sleep, exercise, and relaxation — also helps. Sharing parenting duties can build connection with the baby and reduce stress. Patience is vital: Practical parenting is a learned skill,” he says, adding that healthcare professionals and society must recognise that postnatal depression affects fathers as well as mothers, often presenting as anger, withdrawal, or risk-taking rather than sadness.

McGilloway makes a similar point. “There needs to be greater societal awareness — and recognition within primary care, hospitals, and workplaces — that men also can suffer depression after having a baby and that many are suffering in silence. The first step is to open up discourse and to normalise it.”

At Maynooth University, Mary Maguire, a PhD student of McGilloway and a John Hume scholar, is investigating perinatal mental health in Ireland. She is planning to interview, separately, mums with perinatal mental-health difficulties, and their partners, to explore their respective experiences.

“Unfortunately, screening for mental health in fathers is absent in Ireland, so they’re not being picked up by health and social care professionals unless they proactively seek out help themselves,” says Maguire.

Research has shown that peer support groups for fathers are very impactful in accessing support and destigmatising the situation.

“Fathers have expressed in some research that they prefer group support activities that are designed to be specific to the needs of dads, and often the addition of a fitness/exercise/group-activity type of component is beneficial,” says Maguire.

McGilloway finds the very term ‘postnatal depression’ problematic when used in relation to men. “In my view, it only serves to reinforce the stigma and shame felt by many men. There may be merit in considering the use of an alternative, less-stigmatising term for men, such as ‘excessive male partner distress’, while, at the same time, increasing awareness among healthcare professionals to be alert to mental health issues in both mum and dad.”

• Visit www2.hse.ie/babies-children/parenting-advice/health-mental-wellbeing/ and fromladstodads.ie, a community-based support group for young fathers

- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.