Colman Noctor: Fact-checking three common myths about teenagers 

That said, there are other aspects of parenting teenagers I am more upbeat about. I enjoy our discussions and debates and am interested in seeing them develop their opinions, even if they are not in line with mine.

This evolving relationship presents challenges and opportunities.

Adolescence has been shrouded in myths and stereotypes. This gives us a licence to say things about teenagers that we would never say about another group of people. We describe teenagers as reckless, moody, and incapable of taking responsibility, and much of the dialogue is negative.

However, the current cohort is regarded as the best-behaved on record. According to US psychologist and author Dr Lisa Darmour, in her latest book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, contemporary teenagers drink less alcohol, have less sex, and take fewer drugs than previous generations. While she acknowledges that vaping is a problem, they smoke fewer cigarettes, wear seat belts, and are conscious of the environment.

Rather than adolescence being a crisis, Darmour sees it as “a developmental stage and a time of profound transformation and possibility”. She believes our attitudes toward teenagers are counterproductive, and instead of being hyper-critical of their shortcomings, “we need to support their emotional lives; we need to be there for them in ways that show we’re trustworthy, compassionate, and curious about their experiences”.

So, are the negative beliefs around teenagers accurate, or are they outdated misconceptions that do more harm than good?

Myth one: It’s all about their hormones

One of the most common myths is that teenagers are at the mercy of their hormones, leading to irrational behaviour. While hormones play a role in their turbulent development, the brain is a more significant and less-discussed factor.

The adolescent brain is still maturing, particularly in the areas responsible for decision-making and impulse control.

Teens are not intentionally unpredictable, they are in a critical stage of cognitive development, which makes learning how to balance emotions and logic extremely difficult, due to biological and neurological circumstances.

Darmour points out that “teenagers are wired to be drawn to extremes —whether in their emotions or their behaviours. But this is not a flaw; it’s part of their brain development.”

Many people describe teenagers as ‘selfish’ and only concerned with the here and now, ignoring long-term consequences.

However, most teens I meet are deeply aware of their future, often worrying about college, careers, and societal issues. The challenge is that their developing brains prioritise immediate rewards over distant ones. While this might be interpreted as a wilful selfishness, it is far more likely a neurological inability.

Instead of assuming they are indifferent, it can help to understand the limitations of the developing brain and guide them toward future-oriented thinking without dismissing their present concerns.

Myth two: All teenage groups are anti-social

Another common misconception about adolescents is that they all engage in challenging or anti-social behaviour. This belief damages their opportunities to gather and connect offline. Many young people I speak to believe that if they gather in large numbers in public, adults assume they are up to no good.

While I recognise that anti-social behaviour is a feature of some teenagers, we mustn’t paint all teens with the same brush. This critical attitude drives young people to spend even more time online, creating another set of social problems.

Yes, many teenagers push boundaries, but rebellion isn’t a universal trait in this age group. 

Most teenagers who come to see me for therapy are not externalisers engaging in challenging behaviour; they tend to be internalisers, unable to articulate their emotions and, instead, suppress their struggles, often resulting in anxiety, eating disorders, or self-harm.

So, if your teenager expresses uncomfortable emotions, that may not be a bad thing. Adolescence is a time for figuring out who we are by testing limits and seeking autonomy.

Parents commonly use the phrase ‘street angel, house devil’ when a teenager gets rave reviews at school, but is difficult to manage at home. It’s understandable why this happens, because being in school is difficult, especially when you must hold it together emotionally for seven hours a day.

Teenagers spend their days with people they did not choose to be with and must jump from topic to topic every hour. If we had to do that as adults, we would find it tedious and annoying, even in the most outstanding work conditions.

Some teenagers spend a lot of energy during the school day just trying to cope. They often have to navigate complex relationships with other teenagers who are experiencing big emotional changes like them. They also have to manage the academic expectations of teachers and parents, while constantly comparing themselves to their peers.

Darmour highlights how when teenagers try to manage all these dynamics, they gather emotional rubbish over the day and jam it in their pockets. Then they come home and need their parents to act as the landfill for this rubbish.

“Schools get the best of our kids, and what helps them hold it together under extremely challenging conditions is that they come home and complain a lot and are kind of grumpy to their parents and family: That’s OK”.

The role of parents, she adds, is to collect it, tie it off, and get rid of it. “If your kid feels better after dumping the details of the day, it worked. You don’t have to fix it; you have to help them to get rid of it.”

Myth three: They have no time for adults

Another myth about teens is that they don’t like adults. However, strong relationships with caring adults are among the most potent forces for positive adolescent mental health. If a young person does not have a close relationship with caring adults — if they are not connected at home to a teacher or a coach — they will most likely experience difficulties.

Emotionally healthy teenagers are meaningfully connected to adults. It’s ideal if it’s their family, but even if it’s not, they still need a teacher, guidance counsellor, coach, or adult relative to whom they are close.

In keeping with the concept that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, American organisational psychologist Adam Grant suggests that compared to other periods in history and different cultures, where children were raised by extended family, friends, and neighbours, in modern society, “we are rolling the dice with one or two parental figures and hoping for the best”.

During adolescence, young people loosen their ties at home, tell their parents less and less, and talk to their teachers and coaches more.

These non-parental adults start to play critical roles in their lives.

Teenagers want to be connected to us. They don’t always love our agendas, but they are fundamentally interested in adults who are interested in them.

Are we, as adults, doing enough to express interest in them?

Too often, adolescence is seen as a phase to endure rather than appreciate. But in doing this, parents miss out on a period of immense growth, creativity, and resilience.

Teens are not just problems to manage: They are individuals with unique perspectives and insights. Instead of simply waiting for them to ‘grow out of it’, we need to engage with, and support, them through the challenges and triumphs of this transformative time.

Dispelling the myths surrounding the teenage years isn’t just about correcting misinformation; it’s also about changing how we interact with the next generation.

If we shift our perspective from criticism and dismissal to curiosity and interest, we might find that adolescence isn’t just an age of turmoil but also an age of opportunity.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist