Colman Noctor: Parenting a highly sensitive child brings its own rewards
Dr Colman Noctor: "A highly sensitive child is not simply 'overly emotional'. Their nervous system processes stimuli — sounds, sights, emotions— more intensely than other children. This sensitivity means they may be more affected by loud noises, chaotic environments, or interactions with others than most children."
Parenting is a mixed bag. It is an experience filled with joy, challenges, and countless surprises. One of those challenges can be a child with a sensitive temperament. Roughly one in five children are highly sensitive, according to the research psychologist Elaine Aron, whose book popularised the term in 1996. According to Aron, highly sensitive people (HSPs) possess a biologically based trait known as sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), making them more responsive to external stimuli, emotions, and subtle environmental cues. Her research used fMRI brain scans to indicate that highly sensitive people show increased activity in areas related to awareness, empathy, and sensory integration.
Dr Michael Pluess, a professor of developmental psychology at Queen Mary University, London, says our life experiences, particularly those early in life, significantly impact our degree of sensitivity and firmly believes in the importance of the environment in supporting highly sensitive children. In a stand-out 2015 study in the journal , he describes the concept of ‘vantage sensitivity’, which suggests that highly sensitive people can thrive more than others in positive environments. Unlike the traditional view that sensitivity is mainly a challenge (leading to overstimulation or stress, for example), Pluess emphasises that sensitive people can benefit more from positive experiences, such as supportive relationships and enriching environments. He also believes that about 50% of differences in sensitivity between people are due to genetic factors, and the other half to the environment, including the prenatal environment.
He categorises people into roughly three groups:
- highly sensitive, whom he calls 'orchids' — beautiful flowers that thrive in very particular environments
- hardy, 'dandelions' — which can grow virtually anywhere
and
- a middle group — the largest —'tulips', which fall somewhere between the two extremes of the sensitivity scale.
Raising children deemed highly sensitive orchids can sometimes feel like an emotional rollercoaster. These children experience the world with heightened awareness and feel emotions more intensely than other children. This heightened sensitivity can lead to overreacting to their surroundings and relationship dynamics. Parenting a highly sensitive child can be like walking on eggshells for parents trying not to trigger their highly sensitive child. However, understanding their unique needs can help parents create a supportive environment that nurtures their strengths while helping them manage overwhelming feelings.
A highly sensitive child is not simply 'overly emotional'. Their nervous system processes stimuli — sounds, sights, emotions— more intensely than other children. This sensitivity means they may be more affected by loud noises, chaotic environments, or interactions with others than most children. They might cry, get upset easily, struggle to manage transitions and change or become overwhelmed by the intensity of relationships. Recognising these traits is the first step in providing proper support.
Sensitivity is sometimes confused with shyness. While most highly sensitive children are introverts, Canadian psychotherapist Esther Kane claims that roughly 30% are described as extroverts despite their tendency to get easily overstimulated in social situations. This suggests that even those who appear outgoing and social can also suffer from high sensitivity.
Sensitive children often reflect on existential issues beyond their chronological age. They are usually ‘deep thinkers’ prone to overanalysing feelings and experiences. But this is not always a cause for worry. Sensitive children can be incredibly thoughtful and insightful, making them ferociously loyal friends and strong allies to have in your corner.
One of the most significant contributions parents can make is to create a home environment where emotions are acknowledged and accepted. Sensitive children thrive when they feel heard and understood, so validating their experiences is crucial. This does not mean colluding with their sometimes catastrophic outlook on life. Instead, it acknowledges their experience without amplifying their upset.
Validation is about listening and understanding but does not necessarily need to involve agreement. So rather than dismissing their feelings as 'too much', which can be tempting, validate their emotions by saying, "I see that you're feeling upset. That must be really hard."
When parenting a sensitive child, there is a potential to avoid discussing emotional topics for fear of upsetting the child. While it may seem counter-intuitive, you need to keep encouraging open-hearted talks about emotions to help them learn to process their feelings healthily.
Since sensitive children tend to become overwhelmed quickly, the adults in their lives must teach them effective coping mechanisms and methods of self-regulation. Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness activities, and quiet time can help some children regulate emotions. For younger children, providing a space within the home that they can go to, with books, soft toys, or noise-cancelling headphones, can allow them to retreat when they or you notice things becoming intense.
While sensitivity should be respected, it’s essential to help these children develop resilience and coping strategies. Setting clear, gentle boundaries helps them navigate the world without becoming overstimulated. For example, if they struggle with crowded birthday parties, you might agree to attend for an hour rather than skipping the event entirely. This approach helps them gradually build coping skills while respecting their limits.
Over-stimulation does not suit a sensitive child. Still, opportunities for them to have graded exposure to manageable or surmountable stimulation can help expand their range of coping. As the child gets older, you can enter into more mature dialogue about the lens through which they see the world. And, as they learn more about themselves and the world, the hope is they will develop a more balanced and less intense perspective on aspects of life they find upsetting and, in time, see the world through a more measured lens.
Highly sensitive children often have remarkable qualities such as empathy, creativity, and keen observation skills. Therefore, it is essential to encourage their passions — art, music, or storytelling — and recognise their skills. However, recognising the creative abilities of sensitive children can be difficult in a society that values academic and sporting prowess above all else. Still, any opportunity to praise their unique strengths and reinforce their confidence and self-worth should be taken.
Parenting a highly sensitive child requires an abundance of patience and understanding. Managing a sensitive child’s intense reactions can be emotionally demanding to even the most patient of caregivers. Therefore, sharing the responsibility between both parents is essential, where possible.
Understandably, constant reassurance to a sensitive child can pressure any parent's resolve, so taking time for self-care will ensure that you have the energy and mental clarity to support your child. Whether reading, exercising, or enjoying a quiet moment with a cup of tea, prioritising your well-being will benefit you and your child.
Every child is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. By embracing your child’s sensitivity as a strength rather than a challenge, you can help them navigate the world with confidence and resilience.
Depth and sensitivity can be a heavy burden for a child, but these qualities can offer others an insight into the world that others often miss.
However, abundant love, understanding, and patience can help a highly sensitive child flourish and develop into a compassionate and self-aware adult.
Elaine Aron put it beautifully when she wrote, “Highly sensitive people are like deep-sea divers in a world of snorkelers.”
We will always need deep-sea divers to explore the depths of humanity.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
