It's Not Fair: New book helps kids to adjust when mum and dad separate

In telling the story of Bród, a bunny whose parents are separating, the book provides some answers. Bród has difficulty accepting the new scenario, but learns to cope with help from trusted family members, friends, and teachers.

“Yes, it hurts when breaking up: It rarely comes out of the blue and there may be a build-up of conflict for a long time,” says McCarthy, who has worked with child-and-family agency, Tusla, and who now runs a Cork-based consultancy, supporting families in times of challenge, crisis, and change.

McCarthy says separating parents need to focus on their children. “They need to set aside their grievances, their conflict with the other parent, and make decisions on what’s best for the child.”

For children, parental separation represents grief and loss. McCarthy says: “It’s a loss of safety, of security, of family in the sense they’ve been used to. There’s a lot of fear for children, and trauma within that. The loss of stability and predictability has a huge psychological impact.” It is hard for parents to tell their children they are splitting up.

“They’re trying to avoid their children being upset, but it’s about being open and honest in an age-appropriate manner and explaining what’s going to happen. Children need to know explicitly that it’s not their fault, that both parents love them; and that it’s going to be hard, but it will be OK.”

Separated, but united

McCarthy’s book, for primary schoolchildren, embodies the message that conflict can be resolved and that families can love each other, no matter what. Her message is: Prioritise communication between the parents and also the children’s emotional stability.

“It’s about listening to the children around what’s important to them. A lot will want their bedroom similar in both homes; they might want the same bedcovers. What’s important to them to bring to both houses? A security blanket, a toy they’re attached to? And how is that managed?

“If a parent’s collecting a child on a Friday, how does their bag get transferred, so it’s not going into school, where it could cause the child to look different, their friends mightn’t understand, and the child mightn’t be able or want to explain it?”

She highlights the importance of little things, like having the same type of toothbrush in each home. “Not having to bring basic things, like toothbrushes, when they visit, can show a child that this [too] is home. It’s about keeping things the same in both houses, having the same routine in the morning (even down to the same breakfast cereal) and at bedtime. Parents naturally have different parenting styles, but trying for a consistent approach, [which will] embody safety, is huge.”

When parents prioritise the power-play between them — rather than the child’s best interests — it can impact children. And practices that parents think are inconsequential can confuse children. “I’ve seen where a parent immediately changes a child’s clothes when they come to their house, and then changes the clothes back when they return to the other parent. Children find this very confusing: They get a sense what they’re wearing isn’t good enough; they feel shame.”

McCarthy also finds it “really common” for a parent not to allow their child to talk to the other parent, because ‘it’s my time’. This causes children huge distress, she says. “Children say, ‘I’m not allowed to call Mum when I’m on holiday with Dad for two weeks’ and vice versa. That’s a significant period in a child’s life. This is where separation can affect the child-parent attachment; it’s not allowing the natural relationship.”

Keeping children out of the conflict is vital, says McCarthy, who cautions against speaking negatively about the other parent. “A child is half the other parent. If you speak negatively about the other, what image are you giving the child about themselves?”

Agreeing on a parenting plan is important. “Be mindful: It’ll have to evolve with the child as they grow — toddler and teenage needs are very different.”

Assess how Christmas, the child’s birthday, and other key ‘days’ will be managed in the new version of the family. But parents also need to be flexible and accommodate changes to the plan, if in the child’s interest, “such as going to birthday parties or sleepovers, which might take from the parents’ time with the child, but are important for children to experience”.

Children’s concerns

Geraldine Kelly, director of parenting and professional development at One Family, says children never know a separation is afoot, so parents should never presume their children will have expected it. “This goes for all ages, from zero to 18. The youngest child needs as much support as the oldest in understanding the changes parental separation will bring to the family, the children, the familiar routines.

“The older they are the more they’ll worry about finances, what others will think, and how the separation will affect them. Younger children worry about small, practical things, like who’ll take them to school, read them a story, or tuck them in at night. Younger children also worry about where the parent who’s leaving the family home will live.”

Kelly recalls a dad saying he and his former partner had not explained to their young child about the changes that were coming. “He said, ‘She was only three, she wouldn’t have understood’. Parents often think you can’t explain things to very young children, but while they may not have the language, they will understand something has changed. And there are definitely ways to help them process this.”

Kelly recommends play as a platform to support small children. “Letting them physically play out the idea of two homes — Mommy’s tent, Daddy’s tent — can help them navigate the change.”

She sees a rising trend in parents separating, but, for financial reasons, living in the same house. “They change the dynamic of their relationship, but often skip over explaining to the children what has changed. So children are often very confused about lack of communication between both parents, the separateness of doing things with the children, arguments about who’s allowed in the kitchen at certain times, maybe one parent bunking in with the child in their room.”

Recalling a child saying, ‘Mum lives upstairs, Dad lives downstairs’ — and describing himself as ‘living on the stairs’ — Kelly urges separating parents to find ways to explain what is happening, taking in to account how their children think.

One Family says parents should never leave while children are present. “It can create such feelings of abandonment and will always be the memory they’ll carry,” says Kelly. “Think of how each child individually may respond to the news. Plan carefully what and when you’ll tell them.”

She urges parents to be available to support children in the feelings they will express. “Be ready for mixed responses; constant need for reassurance and explanations. One conversation won’t work: Children need to process what they’re told.”

Championing both parents’ roles is paramount. “Children need consistency in seeing both, with no long gaps in between. Agree a plan for how you’ll give children permission to continue to build a positive relationship with both parents.”

Children in shared parenting situations are better adjusted physically, psychologically, and socially than children in sole custody or with limited access to one parent, McCarthy says. Her book empowers children by giving them control and understanding in uncertain times; and helping them feel secure and heard.

• Deirdre McCarthy’s It’s Not Fair, €10.99, plus companion workbook to help children process feelings about parental breakup, €6.99. Both available at www.buythebook.ie.