Joanna Fortune: Should we be concerned about our teenage son's aggressive outbursts? 

Because of the intense change, teenagers do not always handle this with grace. The inner turmoil often comes out as expressions of control (they believe compliance with your rules is up to them) and conflict (becoming more abrasive to liberate themselves from what they see as parental rules and requirements).

Teenagers often display resistance as part of this process, and it might take the form of active resistance (shouting, door slamming, argument, etc) or passive resistance (I call this one the art of delay — “I’ll do it in a minute”).

The early stage of adolescence, approximately 13 to 15 years old, is peak puberty. During this time, teenagers are often overwhelmed and lack the emotional fluency to express themselves verbally or in a mature way, so they shout instead. 

Teenagers are still evolving in their capacity to link their behaviour to the thoughts and feelings underpinning it. They are quick to dismiss a parent’s attempts to interpret this for them.

I say this to explain rather than excuse poor behaviour. Our teenagers continue to need us even when they do not want us, and the challenge is for us to remain available for them.

Consider approaching your son’s temper and emotional outbursts with calm empathy using the structure of the ACT approach.

• Acknowledge the feeling — “I understand you are angry because the jeans you want to wear are not dry”;
• Communicate the limit — “It is not OK to shout at me or other people”;
• Target an alternative — “The next time you feel upset, go for a walk, listen to some music, go up to your room and yell there”.

Do not go deeper or attempt to “teach” him about his feelings or behaviour during an outburst. Instead, wait for him to calm down and (re)connect using nurture.

Go to his room with a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit and just leave it for him, telling him you love and understand him.

Use spaces like a car journey to chat when you are sitting in parallel (less intense) and say something like, “that conversation got loud and heated — I wish it hadn’t and that we had been better able to hear each other. This is what I wish I had said...”

You are modelling repair following rupture by using systems of positive alternatives while reminding him of the constancy of your love for him, even when you do not condone his behaviour.

If the situation with your son is more serious than how I am addressing it here, I would encourage you to reach out to an adolescent psychotherapist/psychologist who can provide you and your son with more in-depth support.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie