Joanna Fortune: My daughter is being excluded by her friends

"Children’s friendships evolve between the ages of nine and 12, when we tend to see an increased emphasis on the “best friends” group, especially among girls."

Tue, 25 Feb, 2025 - 14:53

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Joanna Fortune

Child psychotherapist

My 10-year-old daughter argued with one of the girls in her friend group at school. She is now being excluded from their games in the playground. She is hugely upset and cries when going to school in the morning. I’ve spoken to her teacher, who was very understanding, but little has changed. What can I do?

Fallouts with friends are never easy, but friendships can be under immense pressure at this age, which cuts deeper.

Children’s friendships evolve between the ages of nine and 12, when we tend to see an increased emphasis on the “best friends” group, especially among girls. As their friendships intensify, so do their connection and dependence upon the group. This aligns with the developmental changes throughout the middle childhood phase when their focus is drawn much more towards their friends and the outside world than family and home. Also, the desire to fit in and be accepted by peers is more pronounced.

Friendships also change as children grow and develop at different rates of maturity and become interested in different things. It is not uncommon to see previously close friendships wind down, or a child will start talking about and showing more interest in someone new whose interests align more with theirs. Because of these changes, a fallout with friends at this age can be very painful for even though it is common and to be expected.

Focus initially on her distress and respond to this feeling without trying to minimise it or reassure her she doesn’t need to be upset. Validating her emotional experience of the situation will be much more helpful to her. Think of nurture and comfort such as cuddles, a movie afternoon snuggled up on the sofa under a blanket, and lots of reassurance about how kind she is. Add to this small activities that help to strengthen her self-esteem and rebuild confidence, such as taking her out for a hot chocolate but having her choose the location and make the order. Give her money to pay for it so she can handle the full transaction. Praise her efforts here, the place she chose, and thank her for ordering for you.

Outside of a bullying situation which requires parental involvement, I generally advise parents to stay out of their children’s friendships and fallouts. Often, what happens is that the children have mended their rift, but parents can become awkward around each other as they try to mediate between the children.

I would also suggest you see this situation as an opportunity to empower your daughter to initiate repair with her friends. Try to do this without jumping in with a fix/change agenda and giving her the solution. Instead, hold that all-important “inquisitive stance” and express curiosity as to what she believes happened and how she feels about it and wonder what she thinks a good solution would be. Praise her insights and ideas and offer to role-play how she might approach her friends to see if they can heal the rift and reconnect.

If this works for her, not only will she benefit from reconnecting with her friend group, but she will thrive due to mastering the situation herself. This experience will be very useful when these types of fallouts happen again.