Colman Noctor: Raise resilient children by teaching them to regulate their emotions
"While some parents might feel uncomfortable apologising to a child because they interpret this as compromising their control, it is crucial to role-model that even adults struggle to contain emotions, that big feelings are inevitable, and that experiencing big feelings is not the problem. What we do to manage and respond to them is crucial."
Good mental health is not about always being happy but about our capacity to manage and process uncomfortable emotions and experiences as they inevitably arise. Likewise, good emotional regulation is not about a lack of emotional variation — it is about our ability to manage these inevitably intense emotions in a healthy way.
Reacting emotionally to events in our lives is a perfectly healthy response, and this is especially true during childhood when emotions are usually felt far more deeply and demonstrated more explicitly. In the way a young child becomes super excited about something simple like popping a sheet of bubble wrap, the opposite overreaction can occur when something happens they perceive as negative, such as when a sibling takes their favourite seat in the car. These expressions of intense emotions during childhood are utterly normal, and once the child can recover or ‘come down’ from these experiences, all is well.
It is widely accepted that emotional regulation is not an inborn trait but a learned skill that parents and caregivers can actively teach children. It’s a worthwhile investment. According to a 2021 study by US psychologist Nancy Eisenberg and colleagues, children with strong emotional regulation skills are more likely to perform well academically, have positive peer relationships, and develop resilience in adversity. Conversely, difficulties with emotional regulation can contribute to behavioural problems, anxiety, and challenges in forming healthy relationships.
American clinical psychologist Dr Becky Kennedy has gained widespread recognition for her approach to teaching emotional regulation to children. She emphasises that helping children regulate their emotions does not mean avoiding complicated feelings but guiding them through emotions to foster security, self-awareness, and resilience. Emotional regulation, she says, refers to a child’s ability to recognise, manage, and respond to emotions appropriately and constructively. This skill allows children to calm themselves when upset, express emotions effectively, and adapt to social situations.
Parents play a crucial role in teaching children how to handle big feelings rather than trying to avoid or dismiss them.
One of the most critical learnings from developmental psychology is that children learn to regulate their emotions through ‘co-regulation’. In this process, a caregiver helps a child manage their feelings by offering comfort, validation, and guidance.
Kennedy explains that when young children experience intense emotions, their brains are not yet equipped to self-soothe, so expecting young children to “calm down” independently is futile. Instead, parents need to step in as a “steady anchor” and provide a calm, attuned presence that helps regulate the child’s nervous system.
When a child is overwhelmed, the parent’s reactive emotional state significantly influences how the child responds. If a parent reacts with frustration, the child’s distress may escalate. By remaining calm, the parent models emotional regulation.
This is an ideological approach, and I accept that all parents are human and ‘staying calm’ is not always possible. Losing your cool or overreacting to things our children do or say happens to all parents. I am a child psychotherapist with over two decades of clinical experience, and I sometimes overreact to my children’s emotions rather than responding calmly and thoughtfully to them. I have many examples of when I was tired, stressed, or overwhelmed when I reacted or overreacted to their behaviour. These are not my proudest parenting moments and often leave me feeling guilty. However, I have tried to use these experiences to demonstrate emotional regulation to my children in recent years.
When I overreact, I acknowledge the error of my ways and attempt to give my children the response they need. I have often explained that my action or reaction was related to other things going on for me and offered an apology. I explain that, like them, I, too, have to work on regulating my strong emotions.
A recent example was when I was busy working at home and cooking dinner for the family at the same time. I had not gotten as much of the work completed on the laptop when dinner was ready and I called my children into the kitchen. My youngest made the mistake of groaning when he saw what I had prepared for dinner, stating that it was not what he liked, and asked, ‘Is there anything else?’. I broke into a rant about the starving children in the world and how he should be thankful to have any food on the table and told him off for being ungrateful. After a while, I recognised that my overreaction was far more about the workload I was struggling to finish than his remark about what I had cooked.
I called my son aside and explained that my reaction was not about his comment but connected to other things. I explained that sometimes we can let emotions from one thing spill into different areas of our lives, and while that is understandable, it is not OK. I apologised for my overreaction. I hope these discussions help my children understand that, at times, my reactions are not their fault. In time, they may recognise this in themselves and have similar discussions with other people in their lives.
While some parents might feel uncomfortable apologising to a child because they interpret this as compromising their control, it is crucial to role-model that even adults struggle to contain emotions, that big feelings are inevitable, and that experiencing big feelings is not the problem. What we do to manage and respond to them is crucial.
I engage in co-regulation by consistently role-modelling emotional regulation with my children, even in retrospect. I hope they learn to internalise these strategies and gradually develop their ability to self-regulate.
Our use of language is critical. When language fails, behaviour takes over. One of the best ways to help children use language to regulate emotions is by getting them to recognise and name different emotions.
I try to role model this by explaining what was going on for me and why it led to my reaction. Studies show that children who can label their feelings can better manage them (Denham, Bassett, & Zinsser, 2020).
When children understand that all emotions are normal — even uncomfortable ones — they become less fearful of experiencing them. However, we need to provide children with concrete strategies to manage big emotions, so demonstrating emotional regulation tools can help when children feel overwhelmed.
If you struggle to find the right words, encouraging slow, deep breaths or guiding children in tensing and releasing different muscle groups to relieve tension can help. Physical activities like jumping or stretching can help release pent-up energy and calm other children’s nervous systems. There isn’t always a one-size-fits-all approach.
The most effective way to show a child emotional regulation skills is to demonstrate it in your own life. Children learn by watching how their caregivers manage intense emotions. If a parent reacts to stress with anger or frustration, the observant child will most likely imitate these responses. Role modelling emotional regulation can be done by narrating their coping strategies by saying things like, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I will take a deep breath” or “I had a tough day, so I’m going for a walk to clear my mind”.
Big emotions are not a problem, but parents need to establish boundaries about how they are expressed. For example, hitting out or being physically aggressive is not acceptable. We can empathise with the feeling without condoning the reactive behaviour.
Kennedy emphasises that “boundaries and empathy are not opposites; they go together”. She recommends instead of saying, “Stop yelling! That’s not OK”, we should say, “I see you’re really upset. It’s OK to feel angry, but we don’t scream at people. Let’s take a break and talk when you’re ready.”
This approach teaches children that emotions are acceptable, but behaviours have limits.
Teaching emotional regulation is one of the most valuable gifts parents can give their children. By embracing co-regulation, modelling healthy coping skills, and providing a safe, supportive environment, parents can help children develop the emotional intelligence needed to navigate life’s challenges.
Perfection is not the goal. What matters most is consistently owning your intense emotions and demonstrating effective ways of managing them.
As parents, our role is not to eliminate discomfort but to guide our children in learning to sit with their uncomfortable feelings, process them, and move forward with a better understanding of them. We are not expected to be emotionally in control all the time. Parenting advice that says we must speak in a whispered tone, get down to our child’s level, and never raise our voices or show emotion is unrealistic when dealing with an overly stimulated child. Perhaps our children need to see our range of uncomfortable emotions and learn from our honest and forthright ownership of these feelings and our willingness to address them.
Remember, some emotional dysregulation is developmentally appropriate for children and teenagers. When we tell them their plans to go to their friend’s house must be cancelled because we are having car trouble, it’s understandable if the child is upset. If they were to respond calmly — “That’s a pity, I was looking forward to that, but hey, these things happen” — that would not be developmentally appropriate. So, when they get angry or upset on these occasions, it is an opportunity to teach them something about managing those intense feelings better.
If you react to their upset in a way you are not proud of in hindsight, all is not lost. Return to them later when things have calmed down, and explain how you are trying to do better and how you got to that point. Most importantly, cut yourself some slack. In a world where most of us are tired and busy, these things happen, so judge yourself based on your response to these incidences, not your immediate reaction.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
