Colman Noctor: How to offer support to your teenager without piling on the pressure
Teenagers often feel over-controlled or hemmed in by parental expectations and can resist being ‘told’ to do something.
Communicating with teenagers can feel like navigating a minefield — one wrong word and the conversation shuts down. In a recent email, a parent requested some ‘practical tips’ on communicating with teenagers. The reader, who was struggling with their teenager, asked ‘Tell me what to say’.
The first thing to keep in mind is to ‘listen more and fix less’. This approach may seem counterintuitive to parents because, given our wealth of life experience, we often have an inbuilt urge to ‘fix’ our children’s problems. We can sometimes see helping our children learn from the mistakes and experiences we've made as fundamental to our parenting role. However, one of the most common mistakes parents make is trying to solve their teen’s problems instead of simply listening.
Teenagers often need to vent and do not want to receive immediate advice. If a teen says 'I hate my maths teacher,' a parent’s instinct might be to defend the teacher or suggest studying strategies as a workaround. It’s best to respond with a degree of wonder instead of an instant solution. Saying something like: 'That sounds frustrating. I wonder what that is like for you. Tell me more about what this teacher does to make you feel that way?'
Using the words ‘I wonder’ is an effective strategy for communicating with teenagers. When you ‘wonder’, you keep the conversation going rather than shutting it down. Other variations of ‘I wonder’ are phrases such as ‘go on’ or ‘tell me more’.
It’s critical to avoid any hint of negative judgment, especially when teens start to talk about their feelings. Allowing them to express their emotions openly creates a safe, open communication space. Once teens feel heard, they may naturally ask for advice, making them more receptive to your input, but you have to do some of the groundwork to get to that point.
By jumping to a solution, you communicate a message of ‘I know best’, or ‘there is a simple solution which you have not been able to come up with’, which can be interpreted as ‘this is your fault’. All these messages shut down the teenager’s willingness to communicate. By contrast, your sense of wonder about their experience or saying something like ‘go on’ encourages them to say more about why they feel the way they do.
American psychologist Lisa Damour explains that respecting this developmental stage is crucial for maintaining a strong relationship between the parent and teenager. She suggests parents invite their children to share information and not mine for it. For example, instead of asking, 'Did you study for your test?' — which might trigger defensiveness or resistance — parents can say, 'What’s your plan for preparing for the test?'.
This line of questioning shifts the conversation from control to collaboration, making teens more likely to engage. Perhaps even offering support to the teenager, like 'If you are planning on preparing for that test and need some peace, I can make sure no one disrupts you if you want to do that in the kitchen'. These approaches gently remind the sometimes absentminded or avoidant teenager about the need to prepare without engaging in nagging or badgering them to get studying.
Damour advises giving teens 'mental wiggle room'. Teenagers often feel over-controlled or hemmed in by parental expectations and can resist being ‘told’ to do something, even if it is a reasonable request. So, instead of issuing a command like 'You need to do your homework now', a parent might ask, 'Would you rather do your homework before or after dinner?'.
Validating a teenager's big feelings is essential, but many parents are unsure how to do that. Teenagers experience intense emotions, and dismissing their feelings can limit our approachability for future communication. If a teen says, 'I’ll never get into college', a parent’s immediate response might be to reassure them by saying, 'Of course you will'... or less reassuringly, 'Well, you better start studying then', these responses can feel invalidating. A better response would be, 'You seem really worried about this — what’s making you feel that way?'. This approach acknowledges their concerns while again opening the door for further discussion.
The aim is to encourage further dialogue rather than inadvertently shutting it down.
Similarly, when teens say they are stressed over friendships or school, parents should avoid minimising their feelings with statements like 'This isn’t a big deal' or 'You’ll get over it'. However, it is a big deal to them.
Instead, try showing empathy: 'That sounds really tough'. This approach helps teens feel understood, making them more likely to seek support in the future. Teenagers don’t expect parents to have deep insights into their friendship problems - they often just want you to hear that it is hard.
American clinical psychologist Dr Becky Kennedy recommends that parents be a 'low-pressure presence’. In other words, be available for conversation without forcing it. With an ‘open door policy’ teenagers are likelier to approach you when struggling than an interrogation-style pursuit of information.
Teens often open up during casual, low-stakes moments like driving or walking the dog together. Don’t underestimate the value of these side-by-side conversations. This slight shift can yield different results than intense face-to-face discussions.
When I worked in an inpatient setting with teenagers, I often suggested we take the session outside if they were particularly reticent. Going for a walk or sitting side by side on a bench ( style) can significantly relax the young person, making it easier to talk.
For example, a parent might find that their teen starts discussing their day while helping with dinner. Instead of pouncing on the opportunity with too many questions, the parent can keep the conversation light and let it flow naturally. Consistency is key in these instances. When teens know their parents are available but not overbearing, they are more likely to open up on their own terms.
One of the most successful approaches is using humour to diffuse tension. While this is a high-risk strategy, it can be very effective when it works well. Emotional ups and downs mark the landscape of adolescence, and conflicts are inevitable. A well-placed sense of humour can sometimes de-escalate tense situations.
If a teen rolls their eyes and mutters, 'This is so unfair', instead of reacting defensively, a parent might playfully say, 'Did you not know I am doing an online course on how to be unfair, and I am smashing it?'. Such a light-hearted response can break the tension and make conversations less combative. However, humour should be used carefully. Teens do not appreciate sarcasm at their expense, so be sure not to veer into sarcastic humour. But when humour is used appropriately, it can transform a potential argument into a moment of connection.
Sometimes, the best communication strategy is knowing when not to push. If a teen is upset but unwilling to talk, forcing a conversation can backfire. In this instance, I would recommend a gentler approach: 'I can see something bothering you. If you want to talk, I’m here'.
Being open in this manner reassures teens that support is available without making them feel pressured. Later, you can gently approach the topic by saying, ‘I know you were a bit stressed about something earlier. I hope that’s a bit easier for you now. The offer still stands if you want to talk about it, but no worries if not. You are usually very good at sorting these things out yourself.' In this way, you offer another opportunity for the teenager to engage.
Additionally, parents should be mindful of their emotions. If a conversation escalates into a heated argument, stepping back can prevent damage to the relationship. A simple 'I need a moment to think — let’s talk later' can model healthy emotional regulation and prevent unnecessary conflict.
Shame is one of the last emotions we want our teens to feel. Shame targets a teenager’s character, not their actions. It goes after who they are, not what they did. Shame has lasting effects and no real benefits.
One of the most important messages you can communicate to your teen is that you want to know how they feel, no matter what. If anything happens with your teenage child, you are always better off being aware of it than not.
To optimise the chance of this happening, you need to say the following to your teenager: 'You will never get in trouble with me for asking for my help'.
By making this pledge and following through, you provide a free license for your teenager to come to you when needed.
This may involve a panicked teenager approaching you at 11pm because they have just remembered a school project due the next day that they have forgotten to do, which can be tedious and annoying to respond to. But they might also be coming to tell you about a friendship issue they are concerned about.
If you want to hear the second issue, you must also come good on the first one.
This pledge could be a potential game changer in your relationship with your teen and may be your most crucial intervention as a parent.
Communicating with teenagers is challenging, but slight shifts in approach can make a big difference. We can foster deeper, more meaningful connections with our teens by listening without jumping to solutions, respecting their autonomy, validating their feelings, and maintaining a low-pressure presence.
While conflicts and frustrations are inevitable, approaching communication with patience and empathy can transform these years into a time of growth and mutual understanding.
Communicating with teens is challenging and rewarding. As Lisa Darmour says: “Raising teens will be one of the most vexing, delightful, exhausting, and fulfilling things you will ever do. Sometimes, all on the same day. But when we understand the developmental tour de force that is adolescence, we can truly enjoy and empower them.”
