Joanna Fortune: My granddaughter doesn't want to share me with her baby sister

My older granddaughter gets upset almost every time I pick up the baby

Tue, 18 Mar, 2025 - 15:07

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Child psychotherapist

I have a close bond with my granddaughter, who is three years old. I’ve been looking after her two days a week since she was a toddler. Her sister arrived last year, and now my daughter-in-law is about to return to work. I also plan to look after her, but my older granddaughter gets upset almost every time I pick up the baby, saying her sister is bold or that I have to put her down. I know it’s probably a phase, but I’m not sure how best to handle it.

It may be more an expression of frustration and fear that the new baby will take all your glorious attention and focus away from her than a phase.

Your granddaughter has, no doubt, benefitted hugely from your relationship with her and having your home as a space where it is all about her, while she has to share her parents’ focus with the new baby at home.

You and your home are likely a haven for her to retreat to where she doesn’t have to wait until the baby is tended to or play to the sound of a crying baby. I imagine having you as this safe harbour has been an immense gift to her during this adjustment period. Now, her baby sister will also be with you and she is not sure how that will impact her.

She is showing you that she doesn’t like the uncertainty it brings.

I suggest you do an art activity together and, while you are doing this, chat with her about how lovely it is to spend time together. Tell her that you love being her granny and that she will always have a special place in your heart, but add that your heart is big enough to fit her sister in.

It won’t change how you love her because you have enough love for everyone. Describe yourself as a granny to both her and her sister. Consider drawing a picture of you and her and how your heart is big enough to wrap around her, but draw it plenty big so you can fit her baby sister in there too.

Tell her that babies can’t really play the way older children like her so, when the baby is sleeping, you and she will still have time for the two of you to play together.

Your granddaughter needs help understanding that the baby coming to your house doesn’t mean she gets less, but that you have enough love to give them both.

I am assuming she goes to preschool each day, so be sensitive to the fact she will know that the baby gets you while she is at school.

Tell her that you and the baby missed her and were waiting for her so that you could sing songs together.

Finding ways to play together will be helpful in supporting her and seeing that having her sister there can be fun. Dancing, singing, peek-a-boo, pop-cheeks, and books you can read are all great ways to do that.

I also think it will be helpful to ease her into this transition by having the baby join you for an hour or two, and gradually increase this over a period of weeks before your daughter-in-law returns to work. This is helpful for your older granddaughter, the baby, and their mother.

By staying calm, consistent, and connected, she will adjust to this change and even grow to enjoy having her sister there too.

You might find this episode of my podcast helpful: exa.mn/15-Minute-New-Baby.