Joanna Fortune: My son wants to leave the Scouts, should I insist he stays?

I'd love him to stay as he's made great friends in his group and it has helped build his confidence. Should I insist he keeps going or accept his decision?

Tue, 25 Mar, 2025 - 15:57

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Joanna Fortune

Child psychotherapist

My 12-year-old has been in the Scouts for years but wants to leave. I have asked him why, and he said it's boring and that he is fed up with being told what to do all the time. I'd love him to stay as he's made great friends in his group and it has helped build his confidence. Should I insist he keeps going or accept his decision?

One of the contradictions in our parenting is how we work so hard to encourage our children to develop independence skills and make choices about what they want to do while also actively dissuading them from making decisions we know are not in their best interests. It can be a tough balance to strike.

Within the Scouts, there are several tiers they move through according to age, and your son has either just moved up from Cubs to Scouts or is due to move into the scouting age group soon. Rather than being “bored” he may be ready to move on, be with older kids, and have new experiences. It could be worthwhile to talk to one of the group leaders and share that he is thinking of leaving and is not as engaged in the group as he once was. They will certainly have come across this previously and will be able to explore options with him, including opportunities for new experiences that could extend his time with the Scouts.

Your son's other issue is that he is constantly being told what to do. This is a developmental stage typical of children on the cusp of early adolescence, where they pull away from adult authority towards greater autonomy, believing that compliance is now up to them. Many parents hear the “you’re not the boss of me” protest re-emerge in this stage of development.

Rather than insisting he continue in the Scouts, hear him out. Ensure he knows you are open to hearing why he no longer wants to be in the group.

Reflect back to him what you hear and gently point out that he has so many great pals within the group, and you’ve noticed many benefits. Perhaps something has changed within his friend group that you are unaware of, so when you listen to him, ensure you are truly present and open to his point of view.

Let him know that you would like him to continue in the activity. However, if he is very opposed to doing so, shift the focus to wondering what he plans to do instead, being clear that he will need another activity that offers him the opportunities and benefits this one has. Until he identifies something that will replace this (something affordable and accessible, so you do hold a parental veto on this), he must continue with this one.

At some point, our children outgrow activities as their interests align with their growth and development. What matters is having interests and activities outside of school rather than lots of empty, unstructured time.

Let your son know you hear him and understand and are open to alternative plans while slowing down the decision process long enough for him to think it through. Try to make this decision with him rather than for him.