The mental health check every parent needs to have with their child 

“But, really, that’s not what’s underneath,” says Coyne. “It could be ‘Right now, I’m upset, and I’m struggling. I might be telling you to go away, but I mightn’t need you to go away for too long’. The parent needs to see the feeling and the need behind the behaviour.”

Parents sometimes get in their own way when checking in on their child’s mental health. “I recall a parent being afraid to talk with their child about anxiety. Yet talking to your child about it won’t make them more anxious,” says Coyne, author of Love in, Love out: A Compassionate Approach to Parenting Your Anxious Child.

Children’s anxiety can trigger discomfort in parents. “The parents’ reaction can be to smooth it over quickly, to judge the feeling, to minimise or try to solve it like they would any other problem. 

Unfortunately, these responses miss the mark. They can increase a child’s sense of threat, because they feel disconnected from the one person they relied on as their support.”

How to check up and check in with your child about their mental health:

Watch for changes in sleeping or eating habits, in their behaviour or mood

“Change indicates something is happening,” says Majella Kennedy, counsellor accredited with the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. “Eating more or less, waking in the night or getting up early in the morning, are all changes to note, as is regressive behaviour in younger children wetting the bed or thumb-sucking.

“Older children may experience physical symptoms — tummy ache, headache. If they’re anxious, they’ll talk about chest pain — adolescents might say their chest feels tight,” says Kennedy, who sees anxiety presenting a lot in 10- to 17-year-olds.

She says mood changes can manifest in new behaviours — reluctance to go to school, lower grades, avoiding friends and isolating in their room.

Connect with your child

“Without a connection, nothing will happen when we try to put in interventions or when we try to talk to our children. You have to be working on connection all the time,” says Kennedy, who encourages parents to create opportunities for connection: “Share tasks together — bake or cook with them. Go for a walk. Connection can happen when you’re travelling in the car or going for coffee together.”

Show interest in your child

“Talk to them about all sorts. Have fun. Delight in them. Build your relationship,” urges Coyne, who says activities are natural conversation starters.

"Watch a TV show together and discuss the characters’ emotions. Listen to music and talk about the feelings it evokes. Engage in hobbies together. Shared experiences can create a relaxed atmosphere for open dialogue.”

Normalise discussing feelings

Do this via consistent, regular, casual conversations, says Coyne. “Don’t wait for a crisis. Integrate mental health discussions in to everyday routines — during mealtimes, car rides or bedtime. The goal is to normalise discussions about feelings, so it doesn’t feel like a high-pressure situation.”

What Coyne means are “little mini-questions, small injections of chats, grabbing moments — maybe when eating together or on a walk”.

Sideways chats are more effective than sitting down face to face. “Teenagers can struggle with face-to-face conversation — they find it difficult to read facial expressions due to their rapid brain development.” 

Coyne might grab a moment, like when straightening her daughter’s hair, to ask: ‘So how’s your friend Susan doing? Are you still hanging out with her?’

Go for open-ended

Instead of ‘how was your day?’ Coyne encourages using prompts: What was the best part of your day? What was the hardest? What was the highlight? Is there anything that’s been worrying you lately? How are you feeling about school? About friends?

“These questions encourage more detailed responses, to share more than a simple ‘fine’,” she says, adding that some families use a simple one to 10 scale to rate their emotional wellbeing. “It can be a quick and easy way to gauge how your child’s doing.”

Kennedy agrees: “Printing off a ‘feelings’ chart with lots of emojis is great for younger children. Ask them to circle the feeling… and then ask, ‘What were you happy about?’ and ‘What was that like’.” Keep it relaxed. “Avoid making it feel like an interrogation,” says Coyne.

Realise that non-verbalcommunication matters

Kennedy recommends parents be aware of their body language and tone of voice. “Parents’ non-verbal reactions are very important. Children will watch us. So, how am I holding myself? What’s my facial expression? What’s my tone? If I recoil from what they’re saying, they’re not going to tell me again.”

Practise active, empathetic listening

This means giving your child your undivided attention, making eye
contact and putting away distractions

“Avoid interrupting or immediately offering solutions — sometimes, they just need to be heard,” says Coyne, who encourages validating your child’s emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. 

“Taking your child’s distress seriously and acknowledging their experience as valid for them is very healing. 

"It’s also good for building their empathy with others, too, for example: ‘You’re angry with me that I wouldn’t buy you the toy’, instead of ‘Want! Want! That’s all you ever do!’”

Use the language of feelings

It can be useful to ask an upset child to ‘name that feeling’, says Coyne, who finds this approach “can literally stop them in their tracks”, as well as encourage an objective conversation about the feeling. 

“This can help the child move on. It serves to normalise the feeling and highlight that emotions are like waves — coming and going — and while your child might feel this way now, they won’t feel this way forever.”

Practise self-disclosure

A great way to open up communication is for parents to use self-disclosure, says Kennedy. “Especially with a teen, say, ‘I had a very difficult day because of a work colleague. Describe [in a constructive way] how you coped with it.”

Such an approach is valuable, she says, because “when children are distressed, they’ll look to parents for cues — what would the parent do in this situation?” Share your feelings in an age-appropriate way. “It shows it’s OK to be vulnerable. Talking about your mental wellbeing helps de-stigmatise the subject.”

Share information

Inform yourself about positive mental health — and then let children know what to look out for around mental wellbeing, says Kennedy.

“Talk about how we can mind our mental wellbeing with self-care in the form of nutrition, exercise, staying away from harmful social media, and having a good sleep routine.

Explain how having good mental health is about building resilience and coping skills: “For example, if they’re asking questions about anxiety, explain that it’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation — of course, it’s normal to be anxious about exams, going in to a stressful situation, why wouldn’t they be anxious? [Convey] that all anxiety isn’t bad — sometimes, it can keep us safe.”

Don’t force them to talk

Respect their privacy, says Coyne. “Let them know you’re there for them whenever they need you — and keep checking in with them.”

Reach out

“Encourage your child to have other trusted adults they can talk to — family member, teacher or counsellor,” says Coyne, who urges parents to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor if concerned about their child’s mental health. Your child needs you, even if they are a teen hiding away on their phone or in their room. 

Coyne recalls a psychiatrist remarking that ‘we over-parent our under-10s, and we under-parent our over-10s’. 

For parents, patience and persistence are key when striving to create and open good lines of communication with children: “Building trust and open communication takes time. Keep checking in and let your child know that you care. By creating a supportive, open environment, you help your child feel comfortable talking about their feelings.

• exa.mn/HSE-children-checks
• jigsaw.ie