Dear Dáithí: ‘My paranoid partner calls me names in front of the children’

We’ve never had it easy over the years, but three years ago, he was diagnosed with cancer. He survived and is physically well now, but his behaviour has become increasingly difficult, and it’s taking a toll on me.

His family wants nothing to do with him, and my family won’t come to the house because of the way he treats me, particularly his verbal abuse. I work part-time, and I had to take out a loan from my son to get by. 

When I was at work the other day, my partner came down and started questioning me about how I spend my money. He wanted to see my bank statements, and I had to change my passwords because somehow, he had gained access to my account. 

He also insisted on seeing my Revolut account. He has always been a little paranoid, but it’s only getting worse. Yesterday, he told the kids that I can’t be trusted and accused me of being deceitful. I admit, 17 years ago, I did make a mistake and briefly saw someone else. 

He found out, and while it was painful, we worked through it at the time. But since his cancer diagnosis, things have gotten even worse. He’s now calling me names, including in front of the children, which is really upsetting.

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I don’t have many friends left, and I’m at my wit’s end. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

This is one of the toughest letters I’ve received since starting with this paper over 18 months ago, and after you read this, I would like for you to get some professional help, but I am going to try and help you prepare for that step and highlight some of the red flags that have popped up. 

I’ll also take a look at your partner’s behaviour and I think that will help a bit, especially as I’d imagine that you would have second-guessed yourself down through the years.

It might seem to you that you’re in the middle of something, but really, you’re coming to the end, the end of 30 long years and the main question is, will the next 30 years be the same or different? By writing to me you have already broken the cycle and taken the first step.Well done. You are going to move forward for you and for your children because this is affecting all of you, and it’s gone on too long.

I feel that your mistake 17 years ago is being held against you even today. It was a huge mistake, and there is no one denying that. It shouldn’t have happened, and I think you know that. 

You both went through a very tough time, especially him; he was the person it happened to if you like, and that is not easy. 

I certainly feel very bad for him, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but if this happens in a relationship and the two people agree to work through it and move past it, this has to be the way going forward. One person can’t keep throwing it back in the other person’s face. 

That’s my take on it, but this hasn’t happened to me, so it’s hard to say how I really would feel if I were in that situation. Your partner probably didn’t deal with it at the time, and these bad feelings have stayed with him. 

This man has also been through a very tough time with cancer and thankfully, he is now good again. His anger is coming from somewhere, and he needs to find out where. 

The answer might be obvious: Is it the issue from 17 years ago or being sick from cancer? That’s a lot of heavy stuff rolling around in his head, but only he can do something about that. He is the only one in control of that.

You can’t live your life walking on eggshells, you can’t have someone disrespect you like that in any way shape or form. This man’s actions are out of control, his own family won’t come to see you all because of the way he speaks to you. Did any of them ever say anything to him? 

If it was my brother, I know what I’d have said! He acts like that because he gets away with that horrible behaviour, and don’t get me started on calling you names in front of the children.

He also has no right to be checking up on you when it comes to money. You even had to get a loan from your son and this guy wants to see your bank statements. I’m delighted you changed all the passwords, and you should keep changing them. There is no mention of this guy helping in any way, with money or anything and there he is, thinking he’s in charge and lord of the manor. Well, I think this boyo is in for an awful shock.

I think it is so important that children today have good, strong male role models, and what I’m seeing and hearing here is the very opposite. The behaviour of your partner is appalling, and your children need to know that this is abusive and not the way real men treat their wives or partners.

You have lovely children who are growing up with all the strong attributes of their loving mother who has done everything to always keep them safe, but mom needs to be minded too.

With all that in mind, I think it’s important we did look into what has been happening in your life in recent years and to see it on paper can be very sobering and feel very real. It’s important that you have a very clear picture as you take the next step, and I think I know what that will be. You’ll have to be as strong as you have been up until now and get out the other end of this. It’s all about going forward now and not back for you — and for the children.