Needing nana naps by three in the afternoon, laughed at by your youthful companions who suggest hiring you a mobility scooter

Bring coffee, I beg my loved ones, heading to Thailand from opposite ends of the planet. I don’t know who I am happier to see, them or the bags of Arabica in their luggage

We laugh at the priority boarding eejits, their queue longer than ours, with their mimsy little wheelie suitcases making the aviation moguls richer with every flight

"Just a trim, I whisper. Actually, the truth of it is that I want to shave my head like Britney as part of a menopause downsizing mission to get rid of anything that needs my care."

"These academics who corrected the misinformation could just as easily have asked the parents of Gen Z about how they think their children would fare under dictatorship, and been deafened by the sonic boom of hollow laughter."

I’m like a superannuated Snow White, my birdfeeder bringing all the birds to the yard

"In the dead of winter, what else are we going to do but head out on a freezing Monday night to see Pamela Anderson give the performance of her life in The Last Showgirl?"

"If the Orange Office possesses anything as coherent as actual policy, beyond move fast and break things, it’s to induce a feeling of overwhelm, of vertigo. Like watching someone smashing up a room."

Normal drinkers, the ones who’ll casually place half full bottles of booze back in the fridge, or even more hilariously, have what they refer to as a ‘booze cupboard’, may not quite get this.

Don’t we have legislation in place to prevent foreign electoral interference? Because now would be a good time to press that stop button